Guilty and working on it (Need suggestions!)

I am was a smoker, up until 3 days ago.

Yes, if you remember correctly, I am 24 weeks pregnant. If you do the math, I have smoked this entire pregnancy since before I found out.

Two days ago I woke up and realized exactly what I am doing to baby Olivia. I feel awful. I broke down and cried, promising her that I wouldn't do it again.And I haven't.

It's a constant struggle. I always have to catch myself before I blurt out "I need a cigarette". I don't NEED one. I just want it and that's not enough anymore.

When I found out I was pregnant with Stella, I quit cold turkey. The second that pee hit the stick and lines lit up, I knew I was done. I didn't even have a second thought about it.

I don't know why it has been so hard this time around. My husband thinks it's because I don't care as much. I don't think that's the reason but I won't rule it out all together. It just feels different this time. Maybe it's because we planned for it but my heart wasn't fully into it.

We only tried for 2 weeks before I was pregnant. I know I shouldn't complain and there are thousands that are constantly struggling but I really wanted Stella to be a little older. I don't want to take away my love for my baby Stella and share it with another new baby...

Stella was an accident (birth control and antibiotics do not mix) but she was my first baby I ever carried past 12 weeks. She honestly is a miracle in itself. I remember feeling her first flutters and knowing exactly in my heart that she was going to be mine and I was hers. I can't even explain the feelings I felt. It was so much more than love.

When she was born, I cried. I was so happy over joyed. Here was my miracle baby with a headful of dark brown hair and these big brown eyes. How could I  not love her?

Year isn't right. She was born in 2010, oh and on 9/13, not 9/11.

Maybe I need to bury myself in baby things.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to gear up for another little one?? 

My princess, the gas machine.

I'm viewing this entry as blackmail for when my little girl.

Let me start by saying girl can pass some gas like a 40 year old trucker!! How can something so small make such a big stink? And be so proud of it??

I blame her father. Nick finds it to be the funniest thing in the world when Stella farts. She loves it when her daddy laughs at her gassy explosion.

Guess what ensues then?

Oh yes, girl goes on a gas-master spree!

She has taught herself to burp on command and now she's trying out the whole fart thing.

Daddy's lil' angel, I guess.

The native in her wild glory. She never wants to wear clothes and now that we're potty training, she doesn't want to wear a diaper or panties.

She's always naked. And burping. And farting.

It's almost like Nick never leaves! :)

Did our weekend just happen?

Wow!

I could have sworn it was Friday yesterday? I am so thankful that God dropped this job into Nick's lap but 14 hours a day, 5 or 6 days a week is really killing our family time. When Nick is off, it's a miracle to get him off the couch. He's a nap monster. I don't blame him for wanting to rest, I know that I could NEVER work out in this 100 plus degree heat. I don't even want to walk from the van to the house or store right now.

Friday night, we had an electricity surge (or something?) and since then, our oven, bathroom lights, and one outlet in the kitchen isn't working. I've called our property manager but who knows how long it will take for them to send someone out. (We're still waiting on a leak in our dining room that I've been calling about since February.)

So the past two nights, I've taken showers in the dark. I'm trying the whole "Be thankful for what you have" this year SO at least I had water and a clean dry towel. :) I hate wet towels!

The kids were both pretty good all weekend. I'm still in shock over that. Kade has been trying to teach Stella how to wrestle... you know, like the WWE (WWF?) wrestling. Yeah, I'm thrilled...

She did a move on Kade Sunday night and pretty much landed her foot in his mouth. Blood was everywhere!

I didn't want to include a bloody shot so I opted for a sweet Saturday morning cartoon pic.

Olivia Ann has been trying out for the Olympics. She is so much more active than Stella ever thought to be. I've been feeling Olly Ann (her nickname already) move since the 15th week. She really seems to enjoy flipping around when I'm trying to sleep or when one of the kids is curled up next to me.

I'm so ready for November 16th!  

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