Guilty and working on it (Need suggestions!)

I am was a smoker, up until 3 days ago.

Yes, if you remember correctly, I am 24 weeks pregnant. If you do the math, I have smoked this entire pregnancy since before I found out.

Two days ago I woke up and realized exactly what I am doing to baby Olivia. I feel awful. I broke down and cried, promising her that I wouldn't do it again.And I haven't.

It's a constant struggle. I always have to catch myself before I blurt out "I need a cigarette". I don't NEED one. I just want it and that's not enough anymore.

When I found out I was pregnant with Stella, I quit cold turkey. The second that pee hit the stick and lines lit up, I knew I was done. I didn't even have a second thought about it.

I don't know why it has been so hard this time around. My husband thinks it's because I don't care as much. I don't think that's the reason but I won't rule it out all together. It just feels different this time. Maybe it's because we planned for it but my heart wasn't fully into it.

We only tried for 2 weeks before I was pregnant. I know I shouldn't complain and there are thousands that are constantly struggling but I really wanted Stella to be a little older. I don't want to take away my love for my baby Stella and share it with another new baby...

Stella was an accident (birth control and antibiotics do not mix) but she was my first baby I ever carried past 12 weeks. She honestly is a miracle in itself. I remember feeling her first flutters and knowing exactly in my heart that she was going to be mine and I was hers. I can't even explain the feelings I felt. It was so much more than love.

When she was born, I cried. I was so happy over joyed. Here was my miracle baby with a headful of dark brown hair and these big brown eyes. How could I  not love her?

Year isn't right. She was born in 2010, oh and on 9/13, not 9/11.

Maybe I need to bury myself in baby things.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to gear up for another little one?? 

I don't want to be pregnant anymore!

I'm due in 3 months and I feel like I couldn't possible get any bigger.

My feet and hands cannot possibly swell any more.

My appetite for everything in our house could not get any larger.

I'm not one of those cute, happy pregnant woman.

I don't glow. I sweat like a pig.

I don't look cute in maternity wear; I look like an over sized cow that's stuffed into a shirt with a empire waist.

I look and feel hideous. For.ALL.Nine.Months.

Please God let these next 3 months fly by. 

21 week check up

Olivia Ann's heart rate was in the 160s and she was kicking up a storm. Every time Doc put the monitor on, she kicked at it. I'm guessing she didn't want to be bothered with something so trivial as having her heartbeat monitored?

She's a diva already. :)

In other news, I've started going through ALL of Stella's old clothing in hopes that we'll have some things for Olly to wear once she arrives. So far, so good! I guess that's one of the joys of having 2 girls, one being born in September and one due in November. Thank God for good timing!

In other, other news, I got a retweet from Jared off CMTs My Big Redneck Vacation. I think it's pretty cool that these folks take a minute to recognize the little people. Also, today is his birthday so Happy Birthday Jared!! (highly doubt he checks out this blog). No worries though, just sharing the birthday vibes! :)

30 years ago on this day...

I was born!

Way to go Mom and Dad!! :)

Today has been a pretty good day. Honestly, it hasn't been much different than any other day. 30 feels just like 29. I feel a little let down. Ha, just kidding.

I've been in a bit of nesting mood and I'm afraid I've taken on too many projects. I started deep cleaning the kitchen and reorganizing the cabinets, cleaning out the closets and totes, organizing the basement, and now I'm onto organizing picture albums and online storage.

It would be great if I accomplished all these tasks, but sadly, I just start one and move onto the next. I need to break the cycle.

I can't believe Miss Olivia Ann will be her in just 4 short months. Where has the time went? I feel like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant. I have a million and one worries.

-What is Stella hates having a sister?
-What if Stella doesn't feel as loved?
-What if Stella resents me because of Olivia?
-etc...

I know that Kade will adjust well because he did just fine with Stella. He's a great big brother so I have absolutely no worries.

I need to get back to these closets. They're not going to clean themselves!!

Did our weekend just happen?

Wow!

I could have sworn it was Friday yesterday? I am so thankful that God dropped this job into Nick's lap but 14 hours a day, 5 or 6 days a week is really killing our family time. When Nick is off, it's a miracle to get him off the couch. He's a nap monster. I don't blame him for wanting to rest, I know that I could NEVER work out in this 100 plus degree heat. I don't even want to walk from the van to the house or store right now.

Friday night, we had an electricity surge (or something?) and since then, our oven, bathroom lights, and one outlet in the kitchen isn't working. I've called our property manager but who knows how long it will take for them to send someone out. (We're still waiting on a leak in our dining room that I've been calling about since February.)

So the past two nights, I've taken showers in the dark. I'm trying the whole "Be thankful for what you have" this year SO at least I had water and a clean dry towel. :) I hate wet towels!

The kids were both pretty good all weekend. I'm still in shock over that. Kade has been trying to teach Stella how to wrestle... you know, like the WWE (WWF?) wrestling. Yeah, I'm thrilled...

She did a move on Kade Sunday night and pretty much landed her foot in his mouth. Blood was everywhere!

I didn't want to include a bloody shot so I opted for a sweet Saturday morning cartoon pic.

Olivia Ann has been trying out for the Olympics. She is so much more active than Stella ever thought to be. I've been feeling Olly Ann (her nickname already) move since the 15th week. She really seems to enjoy flipping around when I'm trying to sleep or when one of the kids is curled up next to me.

I'm so ready for November 16th!  

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